yeah i burn a lot of calories scrolling through my dashboard
someone really needs to find that plane already
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
Jesus take the wheel
Whoa there Jesus
pokemon dont have a prom they have a pokeball
Famous Last Words:
- Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose. - Queen Marie Antoinette after she accidentally stepped on the foot of her executioner as she went to the guillotine.
- I can’t sleep. - J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan
- I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis. - Humphrey Bogart
- I am about to — or I am going to — die: either expression is correct. - Dominique Bouhours, famous French grammarian
- I live! - Roman Emperor, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers.
- Dammit…Don’t you dare ask God to help me. - Joan Crawford to her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
- I am perplexed. Satan Get Out. - Aleister Crowley – famous occultist.
- Now why did I do that? - General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.
- Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’! - James French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to members of the press who were to witness his execution
- Bugger Bognor. - King George V whose physician had suggested that he relax at his seaside palace in Bognor Regis.
- It’s stopped. - Joseph Henry Green, upon checking his own pulse
- LSD, 100 micrograms I.M. - Aldous Huxley (Author) to his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.
- You have won, O Galilean. - Emperor Julian, having attempted to reverse the official endorsement of Christianity by the Roman Empire.
- No, you certainly can’t. - John F. Kennedy in reply to Nellie Connally, wife of Governor John Connelly, commenting “You certainly can’t say that the people of Dallas haven’t given you a nice welcome, Mr. President.
- I feel ill. Call the doctors. - Mao Zedong (Chairman of China)
- Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here. - Nostradamus
- Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around! - Carl Panzram, serial killer, shortly before he was executed by hanging.
- Put out the bloody cigarette!! - Saki, to a fellow officer while in a trench during World War One, for fear the smoke would give away their positions. He was then shot by a German sniper who had heard the remark.
- Please don’t let me fall. - Mary Surratt, before being hanged for her part in the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln. She was the first woman executed by the United States federal government.
- Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies. - Voltaire when asked by a priest to renounce Satan.
No, but you forgot the best one
Either this wallpaper goes, or I do- Oscar Wilde, dying in an unfortunately papered hotel room
Oh my, Voltaire. I laughed at that one, too.
today at the bookstore i asked the lady working if she had any lgbtq books that i could check out and her eyes magnified in what i mistook as horror and i thought i had offended her and then she said “i have a bag of lesbian fiction in the basement i’ve been waiting for someone to finally ask” and she all but burst down the stairs to get them for me
"I have a bag of lesbian fiction in the basement" is my new go-to pickup line
im coming out of the closet. i am a shirt. i haven’t been worn in months. this is exciting
I kind of wish we still got these in the mail